1. You never do the dishes. You always just leave them sitting there.
The dishes are a placeholder for pretty much anything here. Whatever the issue, using accusatory blanket terms like never and always tends to end the same way every time: with you and your boo engaged in an overblown argument. Plus, theres a good chance your generalization1 is wrong, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in Takoma Park, Maryland.
2. You sound exactly like your mother.
When arguing, stick to the issue at hand and keep the focus on the two of you. Introducing nasty comparisons to your in-laws is unfair and ultimately a persion from your problems, said Sharon Gilchrest ONeill, a marriage and family therapist and the author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.
3. You think youre better than everyone else!
Never put words in your partners mouth or in this case, thoughts in their head. Theres no way of knowing what someone is feeling or thinking, so keep the assumptions to yourself, said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas.
4. Do I look like Ive put on weight?
What you really mean by asking this is, I know Ive put on weight. Im unhappy about how I look and I need you to say that youre OK with my current state. she said. These types of questions are all about side-stepping personal responsibility, plus they force your partner into an enabling role, said Robyn Wahlgast, a dating and relationship coach for women.
5. Have you put on a few pounds?
Blunt, negative remarks to your spouse2 about his or her appearance are also out of line.
6. Youre a horrible parent, breadwinner, lover...
Put-downs centered around your spouses family or occupational roles are particularly cruel, said M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist based in Miami Beach, Florida.
7. Ugh, I hate when you do that.
Putting your spouse down in front of others is a huge no-no in a relationship, said Whetstone.
8. I barely know him -- hes just someone I work with.
Its almost inevitable3 that you or your partner will develop a small, innocent crush on someone at some point during your marriage. If that happens, be upfront about it. Dont try to sweep it under the rug with a statement that minimizes your feelings, said Wahlgast.
Though it may be an uncomfortable subject to broach4, ultimately, Wahlgast said being transparent5 about your feelings will create more openness with your partner. Youll each feel more comfortable bringing up other taboo6 subjects in a kind and respectful way.
9. You shouldnt feel that way.
Theres nothing more belittling7 or condescending8 than telling your spouse what he should or shouldnt be feeling in any given situation, Rodman said.
10. Dont wait up for me.
This seemingly innocent remark suggests youre not going to bed at the same time, a habit that can be damaging to your relationship, said Wahlgast.
